We were sitting at the
table outside The Holy Land Quickee's. We had just finished the
northern loop over to Rocky Vegas and back along the south side of US
50. We were 're-hydrating'.
DinkyDau Billy came skidding up on his LiteSpeed Ghisallo. He was decked out in some kind of ...'equipment'.
He had what appeared to be a compressed air cannister on his back, a solar panel atop his
AFDB
- which he had taken to wearing again after the Sotomayor nomination
and the Pelosi dustup over the CIA. A hose ran from a small compressor
atop the canister. The other end was tucked under his cycling shorts in
the back.
"Hey! Hey!" he shouted, as he came to a shuddering stop in a cloud of dust.
"Hey yourself, Billy," replied Leece, as she chugged a liter of water in decidedly unladylike fashion.
"What's that on your back?" asked Tookie, as she nibbled some chocolate-covered espresso beans.
"It's my contribution to the Climate Bill," he revealed. He gave the hose a little tug and wiggled his butt as he sat down.
"Uh...where was the other end of that hose?" I asked him.
"Well...that's my methane collector," he shared.
That didn't really answer the question, but I had an idea of where it had been.
"Tell us about that. It looks like you have been inventing again," observed Leece.
"Yeah.
Yeah. Well, here's the deal. You know how the Dems and some of the more
gutless Repubs passed that Climate Bill in the House?" he asked.
"Yes,
we are aware of that," Leece replied, "I have heard it described as
about as useful and as about as intelligent as the Congress attempting
to reduce gravity by 10% so as to overcome the negative health effects
of obesity and subsequent draining of Medicare benefits."
"Uh ... yeah. But here's how it works. You see, I plug this end of the hose into a biological methane source ..." he explained.
"You mean you stick it up your butt," snickered Tookie.
"Well
... yeah. In the Real World it would be on a cow or a pig or a sheep or
somethin', " he went on, "and this little compressor saves the gas in
this cannister, which can be emptied into a larger tank. The solar
panel keeps the pump runnin'."
Livestock, especially cattle, are
considered primary sources of methane, a contributor to Global Warming.
There were rumors that Congress would be banning beef in an amendment
to the Climate Bill, but so far that had not panned out.
"I'm
gonna get aholt a Mark Youdall and Mike Bennet, and see if I can't get
them to make this thing 'required by law' in the Senate version a the
Climate Bill," he told us.
"You're going to ask them to add your
methane collector to the senate version of the Climate Bill." It was a
statement, not a question. Leece was looking at Billy with that
infamous raised eyebrow.
"Well yeah. I kin sweeten the pot, too. I'll cut 'em in on the take. Ten percent goes into their campaign funds," he explained.
"Net or gross?" asked Tookie.
"Hey ... you guys are talking about bribing a couple of senators!" Leece was indignant.
"Well,
yeah, but they's Democrats, so it ain't a bribe. With all the Hopin'
and Changin' goin' on, I don't see how you could consider it a bribe."
Billy was equally indignant.
"I can think of a few Republicans who would suck at the end of that tube, too," I said.
They all looked at me. With a look of indignation.
"What?"
"That's gross," Tookie said.
"The
whole thing is gross. They're going to pass a bill that will raise
utility bills and costs of production and therefore the cost of goods
across the board," I explained.
"No, it won't, " argued Tookie.
"Why not?"
"Because
China isn't bound by any such restrictions. China isn't bound by the
Kyoto Accords. They are building dirty coal plants at an astronomical
rate. They can produce goods unrestricted by Pollyanna-ish do-gooders
in the US Congress. Since the biggest source of Walmart's - America's
Favorite Place to Shop - goods is China, it's obvious the only
businesses that will be hurt are American businesses selling goods
produced in this country."
"So the onliest ones gittin' screwed is We the People," Billy opined, "since The Chinaman is exempt."
"Ah.
I see," I said, "so perhaps we should sent one of these methane
collectors to each of our senators and CongressClowns, since they are
producing huge quantities of gas."
"And it's solid by-product," Billy threw in.
"Except for John Salazar, who voted against the House version, " Leece argued.
"I wonder why?"
Indeed.